I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
