I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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