So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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