The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
