I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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