if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
