My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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