My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
