At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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