i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
