You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
