My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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