Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
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Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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