genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
