I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
