new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
