"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
