Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.