I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?