i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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