Will you blow on my dice?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
