At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
