oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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