that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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