my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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