this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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