peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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