he thought i was a dude.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
