I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
