When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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