Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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