I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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