I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
