I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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