Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK WHALES
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