Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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