I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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