i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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