Don't make out with my wife yet
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
