Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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