Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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