Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
