I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
