I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
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Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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