dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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