1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
