I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
