mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
