I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
