I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
