I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
