matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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