im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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