i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
